I grew up watching a lot of movies with my dad. Many nights were spent in the fantasy world of television. It feels like every few years, we go through a new iteration of Batman movies. Often, star-studded features with a thrilling plot, cool gadgets, and lots of punching. One of the characters that I always got a kick out of was Mr. Freeze from the 1997 movie Batman and Robin.
Mr. Freeze is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who attempts to steal more diamonds to power his special suit, which allows him to survive after a cryogenic laboratory accident. Luckily, George Clooney (Batman) and Chris O’Donnell (Robin) put a stop to the freezing rampage. The movie has some great quotes from Arnold, such as “Stay cool, bird boy,” when he freezes Robin. You just cannot make quality live-action as deliciously corny as pre-Y2K superhero movies, which is second only to the glorious 1980s action comedies we all love.
One of the main character elements of Mr. Freeze is that his wife was frozen in a cryogenic accident, and everything he does is to find a way to save his wife. The loss of his wife to the accident was so painful for him that much of the rhetoric he speaks correlates the temperature of his body to his capacity for empathy. This is his self-reported reason why he has no remorse in pursuing what he needs. In one scene, someone asks him for mercy, and he states,
“Mercy? I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy”
Hollywood dramatics aside, I often think about Mr. Freeze and how sometimes he reminds me of people I worked with. People who experienced some difficult situations that changed them, hardened them, and made them just a little bit colder.
There is a common understanding in my family that I’m often not as emotionally responsive as other members of the group. Big holidays, triumphs, tragedies, and everything in between sometimes don’t elicit a big response that they might be expecting. I remember when my grandmother died, I felt nothing but an immense amount of peace. The nurses in the ICU who took care of her in the end were phenomenal. Her pain was under control; she was well sedated, surrounded by family at 90 years old after just having a big family weekend where she played with my 1-year-old daughter, and she died quickly listening to her favorite music my mother was playing on her phone. In my job, that has not been my experience around death.
Usually, the scene is a bit more chaotic, and more bodily fluids are involved. I wrote a blog earlier this year called “Lights and Shadows” relating to the differences in cultural relationships with dying. What does it mean when your grandmother dies, and you feel at peace? Is there a problem with how you process emotions? How would you know?
I recently watched a documentary called “First Responders in Crisis,” directed by Corey Moss. It was a great film that explored the effects of trauma on first responders. I highly recommend it. If you are ready to work through some stuff, you can find it on Amazon Prime.
There is something about hearing these stories from fellow responders that cuts right to that part of your body that connects you to every other responder in the world. That hidden frequency that we all carry. One of the firefighters they interviewed was a man from New Hampshire named Steve Holmes. He talked about how, slowly, over time, you can lose that part of yourself that reacts emotionally to things. He mentions that nobody wants a firefighter showing up to a car accident and sobbing at the sight of a terrible injury. We have a job to do.
We can’t let emotion prevent the team or us from accomplishing our mission. This is true across the board for anyone who needs to operate effectively in environments that might include high-stress or traumatic events (for any party involved). Here is the hitch: we can’t just turn that conditioning off. It’s not like you have your work body and your family body. We know there are some things we can do to help “leave work at work,” but those are just temporary measures. If you experience a big enough event or a series of events over many years, that part of you will start to follow you home.
This is inevitable, expected, and common among anyone in our field. The real challenge is finding that emotional depth to connect with your loved ones in a way that fills the emotional needs of your family and friends. A lion doesn't become a kitten just because you put a birthday hat on it.
When a big event happens in my family, sometimes my wife will mention that I don’t feel anything in the same way that other people do.
That’s not entirely true. Sometimes, the emotions are there, but they don’t make it out of the vault. I feel the emotion; I connect the stimulus, but my body betrays me. It wouldn't be fair to act out the emotion for the benefit of others because I think the most pure way is to communicate what you feel and allow yourself to be genuine in all circumstances.
Why do our brains, emotions, and bodies get disconnected like this?
The first step to positive growth is to figure out that this might be happening to some degree.
Much like how Steve Holmes shared his story, it helped me understand. I hope this blog might make you feel better if you’re in a similar place. This is a common experience for first responders, but it’s not something that we talk about regularly. I spent many years qualifying my own mental experience as “crisis or no crisis.” Because I have not felt feelings of self-harm, I always chalked it up to nothing worth digging into.
My relationship with Mind the Frontline and some soul-searching have taught me that maybe we can all do a little better at the maintenance of our mental health. Imagine if you only went to the dentist when your teeth hurt. A pinch of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Let’s start treating mental health like physical health. Most first responders I know spend some amount of time each day working on physical fitness.
What if we did the same for mental health?
Small mindfulness exercises each day, prioritizing mental wellness, and opening up to others more regularly can make a big difference in the long term.
Think of it as the “compass rule.” If you traveled 100 miles and your compass was off by 1 degree, you might end up in a totally different location. By checking and maintaining your compass frequently, you can identify and then recalibrate these small errors to ensure you are on the right path and in the right place.
Don’t wait 20, 30, or 40 years before you realize you're 100 miles away from the person you wanted to be.
Sit on the tailboard of the truck, the stretcher of the ambulance, the skid of the helicopter, or whatever communal sharing space is available. You would be surprised how many others might be thinking the same things as you.
You never know who you might help.
Even if you have a good reason, you don’t need to let your emotional core temperature drop so low that you need to be encapsulated in a metal suit for protection like Mr. Freeze.
Nick Carson, State Ambassador for Vermont and Peer Support Responder for Mind the Frontline, is a Flight Paramedic with the University of Vermont Health Network. He is also the owner of Precision Training, LLC and the host of the Code 321 Podcast. Nick is a nationally recognized conference speaker specializing in topics such as training, safety systems, trauma care, leadership, and active threat response. He has authored multiple training programs across emergency response agencies and currently sits on his organization's training committee. Nick has worked in the fire service, municipal EMS, and critical care medicine for the last 14 years. He holds a Bachelor's degree in Public Communications from the University of Vermont. Nick is a certified FP-C, CCP-C, TP-C, and NRP.
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